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Civilization Progress Report: Leave it to Mother Nature to uncover new sting-rays just as I'm leaving! Haa-rumph!

Hello, readers! Before we climb down into the trenches and wade through the week's muck, listen up! It's with a heavy heart I report this is my last Civilization Progress Report. This may prompt you to wonder several things. Things like, "Will civilization cease progressing?" and "Has the weeks' worth of bad news really taken a toll on our hero?" and to such questions, I say, "NOT IN THE LEAST." Civilization will still continue cranking on like the ol' jack-in-the-box it is, every now-and-then surprising us with a big pleasant-looking festive surprise. But this is adulthood folks and as you know, adulthood sucks and it's all about making it suck less. So chin up and let's get down!

•Surveillance footage from the recent gay-bashing incident in the West Village has surfaced. [Gothamist]

• Surveillance footage from a recent elephant-bashing incident by the CEO of GoDaddy has also surfaced. [Consumerist]

• CHICKILEAKS! Cutesy word-play on WikiLeaks aside, isn't any China-based food safety awareness issue funded by McDonald's a bit pot-kettle-black? [AdAge]

• So this was the week when a crazy cobra went missing from the Bronx Zoo and then was found again and this reminds of a ridiculous Bollywood film my cousin was telling me about one time where some people attack a cobra because it's believed there's a magical diamond in its head but then the cobra turns into a sexy chick and eats people. Great stuff. Trailer's below for that. [WSJ]

Civilization Progress Report: Ask yourself this President's Day if Paris Hilton would make a better American leader than Sarah Palin

Q1 of every year is, without a doubt, the most agonizing part of every year. We're still working our way through blizzards. There really aren't any major holidays. Basically besides giving New Yorkers a chance to showcase their wide variety of scarves and strut around in boots or, on Valentine's Day ideally, grab their paramour by the lapels of their peacoat and whisper Spice Girls lyrics to them, the first three months of every year is miserable. Which is why this weekend--a long weekend for many of us!--is a boon. Most of us have probably been burning the candle at both ends! So take this weekend to sleep more, eat more, exercise more, dance more, and then start back at square one. And somewhere in there, make time to look at the paint peeling off the walls of civilization.

• Through the miracle of geotargeting,Facebook has made available to users in nations where being a member of the LGBT will not get them jailed or murdered the option to more accurately display the nature of their relationships, with options like IN A CIVIL UNION WITH. [Redmond Pie]

• Which is great news for all the betrothed same-sex folks in Hawai'i, as civil unions are being passed into law! [Reuters]

• Meanwhile, Maryland could be verging on passing gay marriage into law any day now. [Baltimore Sun]

Civilization Progress Report: Buy your sweetie several hideous flowering trees this Valentine's Day!

Valentine's Day, besides being the title of a deplorable film starring many people, some of whom will continue to have promising careers in the future and others who will fade into obscurity like that one wine stain on my favorite red shirt after I vigorously rubbed salt and tonic water into it, is not one of my favorite days in the year. It's the one day a year when I'm at my scroogiest. But this year, I'm willing to forgo all the bah-humbugs in the world if one of you mail orders me an enormously hideous-but-beautiful Adenium obesum--or, more commonly, a Desert Rose. But before you rush to your neighborhood botanist to inquire about the gift you'll be sending me, take a look at our civilization which is all about love! and mending things! and progress! Am I exercising selective memory by ignoring some tragedies? Probably! But if I'm to make it through this weekend in one piece, I may have to get a little Britney up in here. That said, onward with the week's minutiae!

• If you didn't find a soulmate in Park Slope last night, don't despair! You can always try again in a couple weeks. Although you probably won't enjoy the Valentine's Day spoils. [Effed in Park Slope]

• This is distressing. There are people out there who want to see Lady Gaga fail. They are mean people. [DigitalSpy]

• ALL'S FAIR IN LOVE: Just in time for a holiday weekend that is synonymous with her last name, Courtney Love has settled a long-standing $4,000 flower debt. [TMZ]

• Our commander-in-chief has decided that one of his goals is to make free wireless available to everyone across America. [The Detroit Free Press] [Ed. note - YAY!!!]

• FEROCITY: Joan Rivers presents a solid argument in favor of marriage equality.

More Rohin/CPR and Valentine's after the jump...

Civilization Progress Report: Could we all just shut up for a minute and laugh?

Is it me or does it seem like people are being bitchier than usual for this season? There's no reason for it. We've now accepted the Recession as the shameful, unsightly limp in America's gait. Now it's time for us to readjust our expectations. This is why The Waitresses performed "Christmas Wrapping" and it's also why the Spice Girls performed "Christmas Wrapping" again: So mankind can put a knish in his whine-happy cake-hole and get into the spirit of the season. But perhaps what mankind really needs to do is get into the spirits...in his liquor closet. Either way, just shut the fuzzuzzle up for a minute and appreciate the fact that New York City's sub-arctic temperature means you can look extra-cute on your way to work. So bundle up and walk with me into this week's news-blizzard!

• The Kardashian family Christmas card or a Models, Inc. promotional poster? [Starcasm]

• They have discovered bacteria munching away at the submerged remains of the Titanic. Wonder if they had Billy Zane's career as an appetizer. Zing! [CNN]

Civilization Progress Report: Imagine there's a world where Harry Potter could cast a Patronus to deflect the come-ons of a Bushwick creeper

The most important questions in life may never have answers. Questions like, "Did 30 Rock jump the shark last night by airing a live episode or did they jump the shark when Oprah turned up that one time?" and "How devastating is it that this week, Twitter turned the plight and (fortunate!) rescue of 33 Chilean miners into a spectator sport?" and "Would Harry Potter do shots with Voldemort if they crossed paths at Bushwick's Gotham City Lounge?" and "Why did Kylie Minogue's fan-fucking-tastic single "Get Outta My Way" not only miss the UK Top 10 in its first week, but tank 16 spots in its second, and then out of the Top 40 in its third?" Unlike someone who has whizzed away hundreds of thousands of dollars on a very-useful journalism degree at Columbia, I don't have the answers. So, instead, please help yourself to the following links. Wash down with seltzer water and don't forget to burp!

• What are the odds that if they forget their wands and spellbooks while wandering to a loft party off Bushwick Avenue, Harry Potter, Hermoine Granger, and Ron Weasley might get shived for looking like hipster scum? [BuzzFeed]

• Landfills will now be mined for fuel and recyclables. This makes Staten Island a veritable gold mine. [TreeHugger]

• Steve Jobs is giving all the rescued Chilean miners iPods. [Hollywood Reporter]

Civilization Progress Report: Morbidly obese MTA asks us to tighten our belts some more, orders extra buffalo wings

Hello! It's Friday! And do you smell that! It's the sweat, grime, gasoline, and left-over hamburger chunks of a week, and a world that plans to put you through the grinder again come next Monday! But kick off your orthopedic sneakers and peel off your hole-riddled socks. It's the weekend--but not before peeking into what's making everyone else's lives much worse than yours this week. Yes, it's CPR time and we're all barely floating anymore! Wheeee!

• At times, I am grateful I am no longer at the mercy of a withered media outlet for my living--late paychecks and lack of professionalism notwithstanding, I'd mostly be concerned about developing Toasted Skin Syndrome from having to work on a laptop at all hours of the day--and not having the health insurance to seek out proper treatment. [The Atlantic]

• But then again, no longer being the mercy of said withered media outlet also means missing out on the small joys of life, like speculating in print who might have been John Lennon's alleged boyfriend. [MSNBC]

Civilization Progress Report: Hey, remember that time when America drank too much haterade?

"I hate the world today," opines duchess of late '90s alternative rock Meredith Brooks in her magnum opus, "Bitch." And after this week, I can't help but agree. And while you could argue, "Oh, Rohin, when don't you think that?" I counter that this week, especially, we saw human beings at their worst. But today is Friday and I can't very well let you loose to the weekend with horrible feelings. In that way, this week's CPR is like a black-and-white cookie: One part dark, one part light, and all parts delicious.

• Rest in peace, Tyler Clementi. [The Guardian]

• Don't fail us now, legal system. [New Jersey Star-Ledger]

• And finally, filling in the blanks of this tragedy. [NYT]

Civilization Progress Report: The week Lady Gaga tried to save Princess Zelda, but John McCain cackled and kidnapped her

Last weekend, I decided it would be a good idea to ignore the sunshine and stay indoors and play video games for about seven hours, so I rigged up an emulator on my MacBook and played this old gem and this one, too. And then when my eyes started bleeding and I decided a better idea would be to get up and pour myself a cup of lukewarm coffee. Then I took a couple minutes out to stare at the wall and idly wonder about how the human condition could be well summed up by a litany of RPG tropes: If an angry jerk stands in your way, give him some KFC and he will let you pass, if an oversized metal cat threatens you, shoot him with your crossbow, and so forth. But what do you do if your biggest hero, who has spent the last couple years leveling up, fails to vanquish the evil overlord bent on perpetuating a meaningless agenda and rescue Princess Zelda (i.e. America)? Put "Alejandro" on repeat and dive right in for your weekly edition of CPR, naturally.

• "Today was an enormous DISAPPOINTMENT, for myself, and for many young American people." - Lady Gaga on the decision to block the DADT repeal. [Official Site]

Civilization Progress Report: What we can learn from my fever dream where Steve Buscemi holds St. Marks Bookstore hostage at knifepoint

During every major seasonal shift in New York, fives of sixes city dwellers suffer from some strain of cold that is comparable to (and may even possibly be) dengue fever, swinefluenza, or any other pandemic that has, at one point in time, threatened to wipe out civilization (consequently jeopardizing the need for drawn out progress reports like these!) Why just this week, I paced around my apartment fighting off chilled sweats! Two nights ago, I fever-dreamt that acclaimed Ghost World/Boardwalk Empire actor Steve Buscemi was holding St. Marks Bookshop hostage at knifepoint, but that I managed to break away from the imminent hostage situation because I was so crafty. Only, I returned for no apparent reason and then found a three bedroom apartment nestled in the back of the bookstore, with someone emerging from it, unaware that Steve Buscemi had just abducted the entirety of the bookstore at knifepoint. I suppose what I'm trying to say, dear readers, is load up on Vitamin C and if you sneeze, do not sneeze on your friend's eye! I suppose another thing I'm trying to say is that this week, our society dreamt big, readers! But as usual, the fruits of their labors were ultimately no bigger than pine nuts.

• ELLEVATED CONSCIOUSNESS Have fans of Gabourey Sidibe taken a moment to stop crowing about the hundred odd things they dislike about the star's Elle cover to embrace the many things that they do like about it? [EW]

• Several Chinese villagers have thought of a winning survival tactic in the face of a wild boar overpopulation problem: Vuvuzelas and karaoke! [Treehugger]

• This week, Queerty devoted all of its journalistic resources to the pressing issue of big box retailer Target's exclusive record distribution contract with Taylor Swift. [Queerty]

Civilization Progress Report: Can an adorable octopus save Detroit from its apparent morale problem?

 

There are some weeks that seem to burn both fast and slow simultaneously--and leave you winded regardless. These are weeks when you find yourself clocking five, maybe six hours sleep a night and you end up snapping at hapless landlords and brokers while looking for your ideal new apartment because they want you to pay too much for a place with a bathroom that doesn't even have a sink. And then you're all like, "Dude. I want a place where my mother can come and visit me," and then he's like, "But all the other apartments in this area are like this," and you tell yourself, "I bet Geri Halliwell doesn't have to deal with problems like this!" Which, then, is the best way to segue into the week's just-add-water buffet of banality...

• It's a dark day when MTV is applauded for its portrayal of gay and lesbian characters on television. [Mercury News]

• TOUGH QUESTIONS Which one is Adam Lambert and which one is the cross-dresser in this photograph? [Queerty]

• Also, Queerty: No one will be made more aware of discrimination by going to see Lady Gaga warble, "PA-PA-PA-PA-KUH-FEIS," while wearing odd-looking shoes. An attempt to drive her away from Arizona as part of a larger plan to cut off money to the state until they overturn their prejudicial laws by contrast? Uh, misguided...but more logical than the idea that "Poker Face" could overhaul hateful politics. [Queerty]

Talking Points Memo on the World Trade Mosque misspelling (possibly intentional): Sarah Plain. Memo content? Spot-on.

 

I am in as much agreement with this Talking Points Memo on the potential siting of a mosque near the World Trade Center site as I can be. 

"Following her logic (no small feat, I might add), do I now have the right to protest the construction of a new office building in Anchorage because it may house the offices of an oil company and might insult the people who suffered from the BP oil spill?"

Touche! "Doesn't it stab you in the heart" indeed!?

I'm usually all about empathy and am generally the last one to try and attribute anything but the best of intentions to people, but - for a while now - I'm convinced the vast majority of the American people have completely lost it. We Americans have taken leave of our senses (No, not CENSUS...though the Becks and the Bachmann's would have you do that as well.) and are fighting windmills instead of facing the reality of a shrinking world that's nearly tapped out when it comes to natural fuel resources and - as a result - is not-so-slowly going all to hell. THIS reality, to me, IS important.  Your bass-ackward way of thinking; your "Let me channel Middle America's fear of a black planet/aliens/anyone who doesn't look like me and talk like me" hoaky "I feel for you so you'll vote for me" tactics and shameless posturing over a bullshit issue that will likely NEVER EVER affect you in even the SLIGHTEST of ways way the fuck out there in Alaska (WHERE YOU SHOULD STAY) except for the one time you come and stand in front of it for the cameras and news crews while on the campaign trail...you, your opinion and your made-up issue are NOT important!

YOU and the people who obfuscate REAL issues with bullshit like you spew are the reason Congress cannot pass even a toothless clean energy bill.

You should be ashamed.

Final thought: Those of us who actually lived through a terrorist attack aren't fooling ourselves thinking we can protect ourselves from further attack by making everyone Christian, or speak English, or look like us.  

We were attacked because we uphold liberty and believe in freedoms of speech and of religion. By restricting those, we're - in essence - making all those deaths in the World Trade attack for naught. How's THAT for stabbing you in the heart, Ms. Plain?

Civilization Progress Report: The week the entire world got so boring that someone felt like painting some 'Mega Man' art onto an 8-bit NES

This week was a Lazy Susan of tepid, crumbly news chunklets that, when collected together, barely resembled a well-balanced diet of progress. Then again, this is pretty standard for all of us, isn't it! And ultimately, it fills us way the way wretched Chinese food is meant to. So, eat up!

- BP has plugged the oil leak for the first time in April. Their reward? Surging stock prices. Also, that plug is a temporary fix. [The Guardian]

- You guys! That's not a UFO in China. It's just fading pop star Coco Lee's career crash-landing on the horizon! [BuzzFeed]

- The city of Milwaukee had to shore up $20,000 to the Milwaukee Gay Arts Center after city police shut down a local production of Naked Boys Singing! and violated free speech. [Playbill]

The rest of your one-step-forward-two-steps-back CPR, after the break!

Civilization Progress Report: How True Blood's Alexander Skarsgård doesn't make us mind the prospect of a second heat wave

This week, those of us living in spacious apartments in the outer boroughs (and areas of Manhattan that are so far north of 125th Street that they might as well be an outer borough) crawled into our freezers in a two-pronged effort to experience what it would feel like to (a) not die of a heat stroke as a vicious heat wave threatened to scorch all of New York City and (b) pay too much to live in a veritable sardine tin of an apartment like many Manhattanites do. Meanwhile, the rest of the world enjoyed several different interpretations of the phrase "world on fire."

• RUDE OIL Which is the best time to point out that BP, who remains deludedly optimistic that they can clean up the oil spill within the month, may have torched a whale or two. [Current]

• CRUDE OIL Speaking of crude oil, thanks to America's blind and uneducated love for EVOO--and pretty reprehensible food distribution laws--most of the olive oil that lands on our supermarket shelves ends up diluted with canola oil and cat spit or something comparable. [Consumerist]

Take my hand and let's go further deep into this pile of rubble to see what else is left of the world!

The oil spill situation in the Florida Gulf region, as seen in cake format.

 

FYF friend and baker extraordinaire Mister Sumner was commissioned to produce a cake for a going away party for someone moving to Florida this past weekend.  Flowers, palm trees, starfish and seahorses added realistic touches, as did an ominous black swirl approaching the Gulf shoreline.

Civilization Progress Report: Courtney Love and Amanda Lepore protest the oil spill by putting together something even more offensive.

Well wasn't this week slightly horrible and painful for all involved? We learned this week that we've got to love our President even if it means that the only thing he can do to British Petroleum is put his finger in their wine and glower at them before turning his attention elsewhere. And if he's going to be this dignified about taking to task an oil giant whose negligence stands a good shot at going transatlantic and contaminating some major European waterways, then perhaps we ought to seek more effective leadership. Like a deranged woman who seems to have forgotten about her daughter and is now posting unsavory photo-ops of herself on Facebook. Empty out your lunches, strap your brown paper bags to your face, and dry heave! It's time for some CPR.

Civilization Progress Report: In which we learn British Petroleum is overly fond of Leona Lewis' "Bleeding Love" as long as you replace "Love" with "Oil"

It's been a difficult week hasn't it? I mean sure a lot of us had Monday off, but the environment didn't. Neither did Madonna's scrappy team of web writers. And then suddenly, the rule of three became a reality as a beloved television star boarded an elevator to The Golden Palace in the sky. Yeah, it's been a real nails-on-sandpaper kind of week. This week, we're also featuring a twist! Much like how the oil spill is suffocating all sentient life beneath it along the Louisiana coastline, we're going to top-load your end-of-week effluvia with BP-related muckery.

• Here are photographs of many seabirds trapped in oil slicks off the coast of Louisiana. [Boston.com]

Continue surfing the oil slick after the jump.

"Transvestites" and hair stylists can help relieve the impact in the Gulf from massive oil spill.

The ongoing, increasingly tragic oil spill in the Gulf is easily the environmental disaster of the year with implications that will reach beyond our new decade, but some folks can help, even if in a small way.  From NPR:  

As it turns out, hair adheres to oil pretty efficiently, which is why your hair gets greasy. Now salons are donating their discarded locks to help with the Gulf Coast cleanup. A group in San Francisco has been producing hair booms for nearly a decade now. Matter of Trust makes nylon stockings stuffed with human hair and trimmed animal fur. ... While the group does have lots of hair, Gautier notes, there is one shortage. "I knew that hair wouldn't be a problem, but nobody wears nylons anymore," she says. Well, some people still do. Gautier says the great thing about being based in San Francisco is the city's transvestite community, which has readily donated nylons.

Perhaps some or our city's amazing drag contingent could put together a party to help the environmental relief efforts? Pantyhose Party anyone?

Via Marginal Revolution.