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Do ask! And by all means? Do tell!

Civilization Progress Report: Could we all just shut up for a minute and laugh?

Is it me or does it seem like people are being bitchier than usual for this season? There's no reason for it. We've now accepted the Recession as the shameful, unsightly limp in America's gait. Now it's time for us to readjust our expectations. This is why The Waitresses performed "Christmas Wrapping" and it's also why the Spice Girls performed "Christmas Wrapping" again: So mankind can put a knish in his whine-happy cake-hole and get into the spirit of the season. But perhaps what mankind really needs to do is get into the spirits...in his liquor closet. Either way, just shut the fuzzuzzle up for a minute and appreciate the fact that New York City's sub-arctic temperature means you can look extra-cute on your way to work. So bundle up and walk with me into this week's news-blizzard!

• The Kardashian family Christmas card or a Models, Inc. promotional poster? [Starcasm]

• They have discovered bacteria munching away at the submerged remains of the Titanic. Wonder if they had Billy Zane's career as an appetizer. Zing! [CNN]

A few bits about Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

• This gay soldier is heading out to Afghanistan.  Read his letter.
• DADT passed the House, despite this "eloquent" argument.
• The DADT vote should be tomorrow in the Senate.

Civilization Progress Report: The Ladies We Love Edition

Much of my extended family--relatives who are so distant that they believe that a trip down the aisle via Shaadi.com still remains a strong possibility in my future--use bizarre terms like "ladies' man" and "casanova" when I explain to them who my friends are these days, as it sounds like I'm reading off a laundry list of lady-loves. And sadly! mine is a culture where two members of the opposite sex can't seemingly just pass around a bottle of wine and wail along to Tori Amos' "Leather" without inviting implications of matrimony and suburban dreamscapes. But this week, I thought I would take a break from the usual bit of rubble-sweeping and doom-predicting and celebrate some lovely things that lovely ladies are doing that make this world a much better place for the rest of us to exist in!

• Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says China is not the enemy. She may have a point because it's not as if they've blocked their citizens off from playing Farmville entirely...they've just branded it differently. [NYT]

• And here is her "It Gets Better" contribution. [Feministing]

• Meanwhile, now that Padma Lakshmi has popped out a sprog, she likes to keep fit by running up 70 flights of stairs. [New York Daily News]

• SHE CAME TO HAVE A PARTY, BUT DO NOT OPEN UP THE BACARDI! Not to be outdone, Mariah Carey has taken to rooftops to announce that soon, she will also be popping out a sprog. [Daily Mail]

Civilization Progress Report: Imagine there's a world where Harry Potter could cast a Patronus to deflect the come-ons of a Bushwick creeper

The most important questions in life may never have answers. Questions like, "Did 30 Rock jump the shark last night by airing a live episode or did they jump the shark when Oprah turned up that one time?" and "How devastating is it that this week, Twitter turned the plight and (fortunate!) rescue of 33 Chilean miners into a spectator sport?" and "Would Harry Potter do shots with Voldemort if they crossed paths at Bushwick's Gotham City Lounge?" and "Why did Kylie Minogue's fan-fucking-tastic single "Get Outta My Way" not only miss the UK Top 10 in its first week, but tank 16 spots in its second, and then out of the Top 40 in its third?" Unlike someone who has whizzed away hundreds of thousands of dollars on a very-useful journalism degree at Columbia, I don't have the answers. So, instead, please help yourself to the following links. Wash down with seltzer water and don't forget to burp!

• What are the odds that if they forget their wands and spellbooks while wandering to a loft party off Bushwick Avenue, Harry Potter, Hermoine Granger, and Ron Weasley might get shived for looking like hipster scum? [BuzzFeed]

• Landfills will now be mined for fuel and recyclables. This makes Staten Island a veritable gold mine. [TreeHugger]

• Steve Jobs is giving all the rescued Chilean miners iPods. [Hollywood Reporter]

Civilization Progress Report: Morbidly obese MTA asks us to tighten our belts some more, orders extra buffalo wings

Hello! It's Friday! And do you smell that! It's the sweat, grime, gasoline, and left-over hamburger chunks of a week, and a world that plans to put you through the grinder again come next Monday! But kick off your orthopedic sneakers and peel off your hole-riddled socks. It's the weekend--but not before peeking into what's making everyone else's lives much worse than yours this week. Yes, it's CPR time and we're all barely floating anymore! Wheeee!

• At times, I am grateful I am no longer at the mercy of a withered media outlet for my living--late paychecks and lack of professionalism notwithstanding, I'd mostly be concerned about developing Toasted Skin Syndrome from having to work on a laptop at all hours of the day--and not having the health insurance to seek out proper treatment. [The Atlantic]

• But then again, no longer being the mercy of said withered media outlet also means missing out on the small joys of life, like speculating in print who might have been John Lennon's alleged boyfriend. [MSNBC]

BREAKING:  A U.S. District Judge has just issued an injunction ordering the United States military discontinue the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.

The comedy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", continued.

 

To explain the in's and out's of being gay or "dealing with" those that might be gay, the Army produced a comic book, over thirty pages long to discusses the in's and out's of staying in the closet, not out.  The laughable book shows that for every sentence possible to discuss faggotry, thirteen more sentences about the convoluted "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy are necessary to tip toe and tap dance around the issue.

Don't click through expecting to find sexy troop  on troop action, but give a click to read the whole thing if you're into bureaucratic mumbo-jumbo.   

Throughout this survey, "gay or lesbian" and "homosexual" are used interchangeably.

 

Have you seen the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" survey that was sent to members of the armed services? It's fun.  Many of the questions seem to have been written based on scenarios seen in the films of esteemed director Dink Flamingo.

Here's a few choice questions:

• If Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is repealed and you are assigned to bathroom facilities with an open bay shower that someone you believe to be a gay or lesbian Service member also used, which are you most likely to do?
• If Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is repealed and you are working with a Service member in your immediate unit who has said he or she is gay or lesbian, how, if at all, would it affect your immediate unit's readiness?
• If Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is repealed and a gay or lesbian Service member attended a military social function with a same-sex partner, which are you most likely to do?
• Have you shared a room, berth or field tent with a Service member you believed to be homosexual?

"The Internet" has already lambasted the survey's from its wording to its ability to generate statistically viable results to the money and time spent in its composition.  Implied in the wording of the survey is the outcome of segregating gay service members.  Yes, segregating.

Download the entire survey here.

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