this is fyf

Civilization Progress Report: The week Lady Gaga tried to save Princess Zelda, but John McCain cackled and kidnapped her

Last weekend, I decided it would be a good idea to ignore the sunshine and stay indoors and play video games for about seven hours, so I rigged up an emulator on my MacBook and played this old gem and this one, too. And then when my eyes started bleeding and I decided a better idea would be to get up and pour myself a cup of lukewarm coffee. Then I took a couple minutes out to stare at the wall and idly wonder about how the human condition could be well summed up by a litany of RPG tropes: If an angry jerk stands in your way, give him some KFC and he will let you pass, if an oversized metal cat threatens you, shoot him with your crossbow, and so forth. But what do you do if your biggest hero, who has spent the last couple years leveling up, fails to vanquish the evil overlord bent on perpetuating a meaningless agenda and rescue Princess Zelda (i.e. America)? Put "Alejandro" on repeat and dive right in for your weekly edition of CPR, naturally.

• "Today was an enormous DISAPPOINTMENT, for myself, and for many young American people." - Lady Gaga on the decision to block the DADT repeal. [Official Site]

Civilization Progress Report: What we can learn from my fever dream where Steve Buscemi holds St. Marks Bookstore hostage at knifepoint

During every major seasonal shift in New York, fives of sixes city dwellers suffer from some strain of cold that is comparable to (and may even possibly be) dengue fever, swinefluenza, or any other pandemic that has, at one point in time, threatened to wipe out civilization (consequently jeopardizing the need for drawn out progress reports like these!) Why just this week, I paced around my apartment fighting off chilled sweats! Two nights ago, I fever-dreamt that acclaimed Ghost World/Boardwalk Empire actor Steve Buscemi was holding St. Marks Bookshop hostage at knifepoint, but that I managed to break away from the imminent hostage situation because I was so crafty. Only, I returned for no apparent reason and then found a three bedroom apartment nestled in the back of the bookstore, with someone emerging from it, unaware that Steve Buscemi had just abducted the entirety of the bookstore at knifepoint. I suppose what I'm trying to say, dear readers, is load up on Vitamin C and if you sneeze, do not sneeze on your friend's eye! I suppose another thing I'm trying to say is that this week, our society dreamt big, readers! But as usual, the fruits of their labors were ultimately no bigger than pine nuts.

• ELLEVATED CONSCIOUSNESS Have fans of Gabourey Sidibe taken a moment to stop crowing about the hundred odd things they dislike about the star's Elle cover to embrace the many things that they do like about it? [EW]

• Several Chinese villagers have thought of a winning survival tactic in the face of a wild boar overpopulation problem: Vuvuzelas and karaoke! [Treehugger]

• This week, Queerty devoted all of its journalistic resources to the pressing issue of big box retailer Target's exclusive record distribution contract with Taylor Swift. [Queerty]

Civilization Progress Report: "And this is why India can't have nice things."

Picture via Random Specific

After I got home from work last night, my mom called me and we got to discussing the Commonwealth Games, which, according to Wikipedia, is just like the Olympics, only America's not invited to the party. Which makes sense, I suppose, as America doesn't make a past-time out of activities like rugby and netball. Late 2009, the Indian capital of New Delhi embarked on a bold urban renewal project in order to prepare for its turn at hosting the games this year. But since no one could really get their act together in the nearly eight months that ensued, preparations for the games crumbled into an incomplete mess of half-finished venues and swarms of mosquitoes carrying dengue fever. This is giving officials from other countries cold feet about moving forward. But as someone who's fallen in love with a country whose labor force is always striking for one reason or another, I merely remarked to my mom, "And this is why India can't have nice things,"¹ and we defected to more relevant topics like calorie-counting. Which is essentially to say, dear readers, that this week we learned well why no particular slice of the world--except for Lucy Lawless' native New Zealand--deserves nice things at all.

• So, yes, more details re: how slow-to-stalled Commonwealth Games-related construction is accelerating the spread of dengue fever throughout Delhi. [WSJ]

• FASTER THAN A FACEBOOK STATUS Not-at-all flailing auto manufacturer GM encourages all drivers to simultaneously update their Facebook statuses while gunning the gas pedal. [Consumerist]

Civilization Progress Report: Apple announces brand new product that doesn't work well and world pretends to be agog

This is how much I love all of you--all six or seven, perhaps eight--who read this. For about 83 minutes last night, I experienced some serious internet connectivity issue, which I tried to resolve by trying to (a) smack the modem against my parquet in hopes of forcing it to cooperate, (b) cuss at it in order to berate it into submission, (c) yank out several cords and plug them back in, and of course (d) feverishly click the RENEW DHCP LEASE button in my System Preferences panel. But as with most computer-related issues, this issue has kind of fixed itself. So you, dear reader, should regard this overlong palaver about my connectivity woes as an excellent segue into a number of very loud proclamations hipster egghead Steve Jobs made this week regarding technology that continues not to work as it should, but is let loose on the public, anyway. Presenting your world this week: A tangled mess of computer and telephone cords and short-circuiting motherboards!

• Did you remember to celebrate 90210 day yesterday? I didn't, but to my credit, I do at least own the entire series of So Notorious on DVD, so there you go! [Gawker TV]

• AMERICAN MIDOL Because American Idol is committed to excellence in pop music, they may be hiring acclaimed "Louboutins" warbler Jennifer Lopez to fill in as a new judge. [OK!]

Civilization Progress Report: There's a new meat market in Williamsburg and it isn't Sugarland.

So. Some years ago, Welsh rock band Catatonia had a rad song called, "Stone By Stone," and the refrain went something like this: On common ground, we'll build our castle walls / We'll build them stone by stone and how / With more and more, you know it won't take long / Where it burned orange, let it burn gold. And today, we (I?) would do well to take a break from our (once again, my?) usual doomcasting to frame this past week's goings-on in a way that makes us think that this world of ours isn't going to cave in on itself!

• First things first, friends! Kylie Minogue demonstrated spirited heroics by giving American television something it hasn't had in a while: Pop music that makes you feel all ooey, gooey, and great inside. [YouTube]

Civilization Progress Report: British pop sensation Alexandra Burke gives us a reason to blithely ignore America's ideological breakdown

Well, darlings! The time is now. Grab the biggest butter-blasted bag of popcorn you can lay your grimy, terribly-manicured paws on and get a front-row seat to the implosion of American values somewhere in the Financial District. I actually spent the better part of last weekend stranded there for some reason or other and while the old chapels are lovely, and there is something good to be said about how there is a Starbucks every one-third of a block (I'm not sure what this "something good" is, but you are all so very imaginative, you can please fill in the blanks!).  The most useful thing about the Financial District is that if you stumble out to Wall Street, you can pet the bull. If not, you can always just have a sexy dance party. This week, the gasping, choking-for-air body of America presents a pretty compelling case to do either!

• Sarah Palin tweeted some malarky and maybe because (1) they have all forgotten how to be actual news oulets or (2) they're just extraordinarily lazy or (3) they're so hard-up for cash that they've outsourced entire political beats to interns from NYU, once-credible news outlets are still pretending that it's chic to cover Palinesque outbursts. [HuffPo, CNN, New York Daily News]

Civilization Progress Report: All men are made of vegetables.

As it's always best to face Friday the 13th with a good friend, I've brought on Kyle Ashby, who this week pins down the flailing corpse of civilization from an organic supermarket in Portland, allowing me to hook up the necessary respirator to keep it breathing for yet another week.

RG: WELL HELLO, KYLE. HOW ARE YOU?

KA: Greasy, but ultimately palatable. Yourself?

RG: Uhh. I had a dream last night where Tori Amos was singing Dresden Dolls covers. What do you suppose that means?

KA: Well. Like many Tori fans, you want to stay in a committed relationship, but you yearn for a harder edge. Amanda Palmer fills that void. I mean, I know how often I sing "The Power of Orange Knickers."

RG: As often as I sing her ten-minute live version of "Crucify"?

KA: The last time I heard that version, my friend and I drooled on the fans below our balcony seats--but because of sleep, not dumbstruck awe.

RG: Do you know what's terrible? I think that accurately describes my reaction to how insanely people are dealing with the the sudden Prop. 8 repeal. Like, they're overanalyzing it...like the concept of same-sex marriage is so utterly mindboggling.

KA: I don't understand why I'm being congratulated.

 

Civilization Progress Report: Vaughn Walker loves Good Hair.

There are a lot of Vaughn Walkers on Facebook, and most of them are not white! While most are very private (which goes with that "other" Vaughn's take on wiretapping) there is one Vaughn Walker that is out of the closet as a fan of Good Hair!  Anyway, we all pretty much know all about Reagan-appointed, gayish Judge Walker and his well-written finding, so let's check in with the rest of the world for the CPR.

• Speaking of good hair, here is Miss Naomi Campbell, sporting the beehive wig of the decade in a war-crimes trial regarding her receipt of "small dirty stones" (aka Blood Diamonds) from an African dictator.
  
• The social security system now spends more than it takes in.
• A big part of your gay history is about knowing about the philanthropist white ladies that became angels to "your people" at the onset of the AIDS epidemic.  Meet Miss Judy Peabody.

That video with all the strippers in it is after the jump, so keep reading.

Civilization Progress Report: Breaking! Gay people have to be gay in order to work (gaily) in the gay media!

There is this whole thing up at Queerty asking us, "Do you have to be gay to work in the gay media?" and it's like, why bother reading the 492 or how many ever words that ensue because ultimately yes, you have to be gay to work in the gay media. But by quickly skimming Out's homepage, you'll find one Joshua David Stein, a straight guy - married even! And then you'll reason that such questions don't really matter, because magazines are doomed and most people in that trade will become pretty outmoded after the digital transition finishes making mincemeat out of print, and (more terrifyingly, journalism). Which is to say, Queerty's "investigation" was total comment-hungry non-news. But you know what's non-non-news? The news briefs that make up the flimsy architecture of this week's Civilization Progress Report!

• TWIST! The true surprise ending of Christopher Nolan's Inception that it was able to catapult one of its thesps to just-above-C-list status after he came out. [Us Magazine]

• Scientific evidence shows that bans preventing gay couples from adopting kids is bogus. [NYT]

• Anne Rice took to Facebook to denounce her Christianity. Related: I recently took to Facebook to denounce my sanity. [BuzzFeed]

 

Civilization Progress Report: Can an adorable octopus save Detroit from its apparent morale problem?

 

There are some weeks that seem to burn both fast and slow simultaneously--and leave you winded regardless. These are weeks when you find yourself clocking five, maybe six hours sleep a night and you end up snapping at hapless landlords and brokers while looking for your ideal new apartment because they want you to pay too much for a place with a bathroom that doesn't even have a sink. And then you're all like, "Dude. I want a place where my mother can come and visit me," and then he's like, "But all the other apartments in this area are like this," and you tell yourself, "I bet Geri Halliwell doesn't have to deal with problems like this!" Which, then, is the best way to segue into the week's just-add-water buffet of banality...

• It's a dark day when MTV is applauded for its portrayal of gay and lesbian characters on television. [Mercury News]

• TOUGH QUESTIONS Which one is Adam Lambert and which one is the cross-dresser in this photograph? [Queerty]

• Also, Queerty: No one will be made more aware of discrimination by going to see Lady Gaga warble, "PA-PA-PA-PA-KUH-FEIS," while wearing odd-looking shoes. An attempt to drive her away from Arizona as part of a larger plan to cut off money to the state until they overturn their prejudicial laws by contrast? Uh, misguided...but more logical than the idea that "Poker Face" could overhaul hateful politics. [Queerty]

Civilization Progress Report: How True Blood's Alexander Skarsgård doesn't make us mind the prospect of a second heat wave

This week, those of us living in spacious apartments in the outer boroughs (and areas of Manhattan that are so far north of 125th Street that they might as well be an outer borough) crawled into our freezers in a two-pronged effort to experience what it would feel like to (a) not die of a heat stroke as a vicious heat wave threatened to scorch all of New York City and (b) pay too much to live in a veritable sardine tin of an apartment like many Manhattanites do. Meanwhile, the rest of the world enjoyed several different interpretations of the phrase "world on fire."

• RUDE OIL Which is the best time to point out that BP, who remains deludedly optimistic that they can clean up the oil spill within the month, may have torched a whale or two. [Current]

• CRUDE OIL Speaking of crude oil, thanks to America's blind and uneducated love for EVOO--and pretty reprehensible food distribution laws--most of the olive oil that lands on our supermarket shelves ends up diluted with canola oil and cat spit or something comparable. [Consumerist]

Take my hand and let's go further deep into this pile of rubble to see what else is left of the world!

Civilization Progress Report: In anticipation of eating charred beast bits and setting off fireworks.

This weekend, America will return to its primal roots--that is, in a scene that evokes the mayhem of last year's maenadic True Blood tempests, we will all stick bits of dead animal flesh over an open flame and busy ourselves with palaver about how oh! my! goddess! this world is a wreck, but thank Lourdes Ciccone we have tasty porkchops to lull us into a red meat-induced coma and placate our BP-assisted anxieties for yet another day. Grease yourself up and squeeze into your star-spangled man-spanx--it's your 4th of July edition of CPR!

- So, there is this film franchise that features adolescents smizing and looking broody; they periodically open their mouths and words fall out. Almost as if by chance. The third installment of this franchise has so far raked in just under $70M since its opening Wednesday. [Wall Street Journal]

- "Frida Bistro" is the name of a Frida Kahlo-themed restaurant that, while serving Tex-Mex staples, is not at all Tex-Mex. In Utah. [The Salt Lake Tribune]

- Stepping away from food:  confusing, but topical contraception. [Citypages]

- Thank you for being a friend and recognizing us as whole citizens, Google! [AFP]

- So the downer in this article about how Liza Minnelli is now filming spots for the Home Shopping Network isn't how her showbiz prospects have tumbled the way her alter-ego does on Arrested Development when facing vertigo. Rather, it's how insipid and lazy the lead is: "We have seen the future of Lindsay Lohan, and it looks like this." Really, Salon scribe Mary Elizabeth Williams? You want to sign your name to that? Oh, well. [Salon]

- Wonder Woman gets a tame make-over.  [Ed. - It's infuriating!  Wonder Woman belongs in satin tights, fighting for our rights, and the old red, white and bluuuuuue.] [BuzzFeed]

- "The shoe is very important. I can't even fuck with you if your shoe game is slacking." - Solange Knowles [Refinery29]

- After being found not guilty the first time around for killing two men in cold blood in Bushwick because he thought they were gay, a remorseless jag has now been found guilty. [BushwickBK]

- You can now get gay-married in Iceland. Prime Minister Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir has. [AP]

- In an ongoing effort to protect viewers, YouTube has marked a twinky parody of Katy Perry's "California Girls" as "objectionable content" . [YouTube]

- But with all this talk of Independence Day and patriotic fervor, let's close out with a song from Welsh popstrel Marina & the Diamonds and her single, "Hollywood" which is about "American dreams" and how some people tend to mistake her for Shakira. [YouTube]

Mister Rohin Guha has written for Gawker, Blackbook, Paper, New York, and in many other locales. Once a week he'll be checking in on civilization and giving us a progress report.

Civilization Progress Report: Be prideful about this very inappropriate Orangina advertisement!

Some of you may know about a little thing that is happening in New York City this weekend that rhymes with the second word of this Blondie song. I'm still trying to figuring out the point of it all, but these dudes do a wonderful job of clearing up a lot of the confetti that tends to obfuscate a clear understanding of our culture. Speaking of confetti, a whole storm of glittery detritus bursts forth in your festive end-of-June edition of CPR!

• HURRAH President Obama is set to expand the rights of same-sex workers so that they can care for their partners' kids--without the formality of having to legally adopt them. [The New York Times]

• ...which may make him more unpopular with some fringe Christian group that's raking him over coals for celebrating gay dads on Father's Day several days ago. [USA Today]

More! More! More! After the break.

Civilization Progress Report: The Coca-Cola Company misses out on obvious Pride cash-in

Hey New Yorkers, has this week seemed unseasonably chilly to anyone else? Also, does anyone else think paying $2 for a Diet Coke in Chinatown is too excessive, especially when you can get it for $1.50 out in Midtown or $1 out here in Bushwick? I know, I know! And the V train! They're killing it and replacing it with the M train and the M train isn't going to Chinatown any longer, but it is going to Midtown...so I suppose that solves my Diet Coke dilemma, doesn't it? 

Sorry for that extended monologue. On to your weekly compost bin of cultural dregs, then!

• One of the best lines of dialogue to come out of the Prop. 8 trial, which wrapped yesterday: "Do people get married to benefit the community? When one enters into a marriage, you don't say, 'Oh boy, I'm going to benefit society!" [Wall Street Journal]

• SOUTHERN COMFORT A softball team based in Memphis, TN has been banned from a church league because their coach is a lesbian. [USA Today]

• Oh and before we continue, please note that for a brief while, they were manufacturing a brand of Diet Coke that, at least aesthetically (pictured above), seems like it would've been an easy sell during Pride Weekends across the country.

Civilization Progress Report: Courtney Love and Amanda Lepore protest the oil spill by putting together something even more offensive.

Well wasn't this week slightly horrible and painful for all involved? We learned this week that we've got to love our President even if it means that the only thing he can do to British Petroleum is put his finger in their wine and glower at them before turning his attention elsewhere. And if he's going to be this dignified about taking to task an oil giant whose negligence stands a good shot at going transatlantic and contaminating some major European waterways, then perhaps we ought to seek more effective leadership. Like a deranged woman who seems to have forgotten about her daughter and is now posting unsavory photo-ops of herself on Facebook. Empty out your lunches, strap your brown paper bags to your face, and dry heave! It's time for some CPR.

Civilization Progress Report: In which we learn British Petroleum is overly fond of Leona Lewis' "Bleeding Love" as long as you replace "Love" with "Oil"

It's been a difficult week hasn't it? I mean sure a lot of us had Monday off, but the environment didn't. Neither did Madonna's scrappy team of web writers. And then suddenly, the rule of three became a reality as a beloved television star boarded an elevator to The Golden Palace in the sky. Yeah, it's been a real nails-on-sandpaper kind of week. This week, we're also featuring a twist! Much like how the oil spill is suffocating all sentient life beneath it along the Louisiana coastline, we're going to top-load your end-of-week effluvia with BP-related muckery.

• Here are photographs of many seabirds trapped in oil slicks off the coast of Louisiana. [Boston.com]

Continue surfing the oil slick after the jump.

Civilization Progress Report: America's major leakage woes

 

This week, we ran to the nearest cliff, cupped our hands around our mouths and screamed, "Why, America, WHY?" And America, bless her Double-Downed heart, shrugged. As she squeezed her flabby, many-rolled midsection into her stars-and-stripes-patterned halter top to get ready for a night out on the town, America said, "I don't know, darling, I don't know why so many people are out to destroy my culture and nature, but it's a long weekend, so let's have a party y'all!" It should be noted that America probably enjoys the variety of upscale nightlife available in the Times Square area. 

• AMERICA'S GREATEST CULTURAL DISASTER Liza Minnelli sings "Single Ladies" in it. Oh, you know what it refers to. In fact, I won't even specify what it is, because it is as wicked and fiendish as that Harry Potter villain whose name is also left un-uttered. [Popjustice]

• AMERICA'S GREATEST NATURAL DISASTER Life really is like Sonic the Hedgehog 2--namely that part where our intrepid hero had to spin-dash his way out of Oil Ocean Zone in pursuit of all the Chaos Emeralds. It's really an apt metaphor for what many Americans are facing with this BP oil spill. [USA Today]

Many non-disasters and the rest of your CPR after the jump!

Civilization Progress Report: Desperation is in the air.

Oh hey, friends. This week, as we dive deep into the FYF-dom for our weekly dose of CPR, we'll learn some valuable lessons about desperation: What a sinking newsmagazine might do when facing it and what a magnificent actress might do when they unexpectedly find themselves stranded on a TV show that smacks of it. Grab your oxygen tanks and jump in after the break.

Civilization Progress Report: Your kids are husky enough already.

This week we learned that primates are more compassionate than mankind -- perhaps a foregone conclusion when the latter is quick to disown one of their kind on the basis of skin color, while the former is documented as exhibiting grief when one of theirs is lost. In light of this human depravity, I think it's high time I conducted a little Civilization Progress Report (see what I did there?) on the withered world around us.

(Get CPR after the jump...)