this is fyf

Civilization Progress Report: Leave it to Mother Nature to uncover new sting-rays just as I'm leaving! Haa-rumph!

Hello, readers! Before we climb down into the trenches and wade through the week's muck, listen up! It's with a heavy heart I report this is my last Civilization Progress Report. This may prompt you to wonder several things. Things like, "Will civilization cease progressing?" and "Has the weeks' worth of bad news really taken a toll on our hero?" and to such questions, I say, "NOT IN THE LEAST." Civilization will still continue cranking on like the ol' jack-in-the-box it is, every now-and-then surprising us with a big pleasant-looking festive surprise. But this is adulthood folks and as you know, adulthood sucks and it's all about making it suck less. So chin up and let's get down!

•Surveillance footage from the recent gay-bashing incident in the West Village has surfaced. [Gothamist]

• Surveillance footage from a recent elephant-bashing incident by the CEO of GoDaddy has also surfaced. [Consumerist]

• CHICKILEAKS! Cutesy word-play on WikiLeaks aside, isn't any China-based food safety awareness issue funded by McDonald's a bit pot-kettle-black? [AdAge]

• So this was the week when a crazy cobra went missing from the Bronx Zoo and then was found again and this reminds of a ridiculous Bollywood film my cousin was telling me about one time where some people attack a cobra because it's believed there's a magical diamond in its head but then the cobra turns into a sexy chick and eats people. Great stuff. Trailer's below for that. [WSJ]

Civilization Progress Report: Don't eat dinner at Damien Hirst's house!

There comes a point in every young man's life when he grows older. He notices bags bulging out from underneath his eyes and silver hairs sprouting like weeds from the lush, thick forest that is his black hair. And he wonders how many more hairs are going to turn silver before his faith in the world around him is restored because a critical decision he made back in 2008 suddenly stands for nothing. But then he remembers that he doesn't deal in politics. He deals in pop. And he is me, readers! So if you're burning in anguish from what seems like a pandemic of disasters worldwide, pop music will always save you. Your life-preservers follow below. Have your pick.

• 2010 was the year of "Fuck You". 2011 is, then, the year of "Fuck Me". I told you this last week, but some of you aren't good listeners. [FYF]

Civilization Progress Report: Arianna Huffington, this is all your fault.

Rohin Guha is showing solidarity with the bloggers on strike against Huffington Post.  We tried to explain that FYF had not made a $350 million deal with AOL and he replied, "Norma Rae!  Norma Rae!"  We then offered some drink tickets at Kamp, and he excitedly twittered, tumbl'd, foursquared, facebooked, myspaced, friendstered, and livejournalled that he'd be back next week. (Actually, Mr. Guha has had an awful week, so your host this week is the pop-culture illiterate, Rod.)

• Charlie Sheen has been doing coke and doing porn stars and hookers for years.  Now people are upset about it or something?  I've not read one bit about it and don't really give a shit.  Have you ever seen his television show?  Neither have I.  


• Rohin would probably put up a pop music video here, but I have no clue about that, so here's a brawl between ten drag queens at a San Diego Taco Bell:

Civilization Progress Report: But wait, wasn't Belle from 'Beauty & the Beast' French?

Give yourselves a round of applause, you gorgeous little devils. You've nearly made it to the weekend. And this! This first week of March has truly been initiated by a stampede of unruly lions. And while the civilizations rise and collapse out there in the world, wonderful things, perhaps too microscopic in comparison, continue to happen too! Let's all peer at these small wonders through our magnifying glasses, shall we?

• Hagfish are a type of sea-beast that eat things by absorbing nutrients through its skin. In this way, they are more talented than us humans. We just get hives and wrinkles on our skin. [Wired]

• While we're on the topic of bizarre non-humans, there are four new strains of "zombie" fungi in the Brazilian rainforests that work thusly: They take control of an ant's brain, alter its behavior, and eventually cause it to die. [CNN]

• AWAY AT UNI More symbiotic then: Rutgers University, this week, has OKed co-ed living within a single dorm, validating the very existence of fag hags. [TIME]

Civilization Progress Report: Everybody grows up, even Zelda and Link

Y'all. It...has...been...a week. As we crash-landed back to New York City on Tuesday after a blissful getaway to a quaint New England town that involved marathon rounds of She-Hulking our way through Marvel vs. Capcom 3, we were greeted with news of epic unrest in Libya and natural disaster in New Zealand (and breathed a deep sigh of relief when we learned our brother, temporarily residing in a remote Kiwi 'burb, wasn't affected at all by the quake.) And frankly this, piled on top of everything else in the world was enough to make us want to crawl under a rock and listen to Adele's sweet singing until the madness ends. But if that were the case, we'd never leave the house. So instead, go into the weekend looking positively golden, with proper posture, and the knowledge that lovelier things are still happening around the world.

• Gordon Bunshaft is not a porn entrepreneur, but an architect. One of his works, "The Snow Queen" is currently on display at the Lever House on Park Avenue and you'd be a fool to miss it! [NYT Magazine]

• 30 Rock's Jenna Maroney made the internet yesterday. [Gawker TV]

• Google has again proven itself to be a tech giant of the times: Presenting Recipe View. [Google Recipe View]

Civilization Progress Report: Ask yourself this President's Day if Paris Hilton would make a better American leader than Sarah Palin

Q1 of every year is, without a doubt, the most agonizing part of every year. We're still working our way through blizzards. There really aren't any major holidays. Basically besides giving New Yorkers a chance to showcase their wide variety of scarves and strut around in boots or, on Valentine's Day ideally, grab their paramour by the lapels of their peacoat and whisper Spice Girls lyrics to them, the first three months of every year is miserable. Which is why this weekend--a long weekend for many of us!--is a boon. Most of us have probably been burning the candle at both ends! So take this weekend to sleep more, eat more, exercise more, dance more, and then start back at square one. And somewhere in there, make time to look at the paint peeling off the walls of civilization.

• Through the miracle of geotargeting,Facebook has made available to users in nations where being a member of the LGBT will not get them jailed or murdered the option to more accurately display the nature of their relationships, with options like IN A CIVIL UNION WITH. [Redmond Pie]

• Which is great news for all the betrothed same-sex folks in Hawai'i, as civil unions are being passed into law! [Reuters]

• Meanwhile, Maryland could be verging on passing gay marriage into law any day now. [Baltimore Sun]

Civilization Progress Report: Buy your sweetie several hideous flowering trees this Valentine's Day!

Valentine's Day, besides being the title of a deplorable film starring many people, some of whom will continue to have promising careers in the future and others who will fade into obscurity like that one wine stain on my favorite red shirt after I vigorously rubbed salt and tonic water into it, is not one of my favorite days in the year. It's the one day a year when I'm at my scroogiest. But this year, I'm willing to forgo all the bah-humbugs in the world if one of you mail orders me an enormously hideous-but-beautiful Adenium obesum--or, more commonly, a Desert Rose. But before you rush to your neighborhood botanist to inquire about the gift you'll be sending me, take a look at our civilization which is all about love! and mending things! and progress! Am I exercising selective memory by ignoring some tragedies? Probably! But if I'm to make it through this weekend in one piece, I may have to get a little Britney up in here. That said, onward with the week's minutiae!

• If you didn't find a soulmate in Park Slope last night, don't despair! You can always try again in a couple weeks. Although you probably won't enjoy the Valentine's Day spoils. [Effed in Park Slope]

• This is distressing. There are people out there who want to see Lady Gaga fail. They are mean people. [DigitalSpy]

• ALL'S FAIR IN LOVE: Just in time for a holiday weekend that is synonymous with her last name, Courtney Love has settled a long-standing $4,000 flower debt. [TMZ]

• Our commander-in-chief has decided that one of his goals is to make free wireless available to everyone across America. [The Detroit Free Press] [Ed. note - YAY!!!]

• FEROCITY: Joan Rivers presents a solid argument in favor of marriage equality.

More Rohin/CPR and Valentine's after the jump...

Civilization Progress Report: Happy 152nd anniversary of finding an ancient copy of the Bible somewhere in Egypt, everybody!

Whether you practiced your best Kristi Yamaguchi moves as New York City became iced over or you slipped on the black ice and bruised your ass, it's been a mired wormhole of a week. But take a load off! Have a cocktail! (What's that? It's lunchtime where you are? Then pour out some seltzer and slice up a lime and save the vodka for later.) This week, there were so many wrinkles on the face of pop culture that it probably could've used a shot of Botox.

• On this day in 1859, the Codex Sinaiticus--an ancient, hand-written copy of the Greek Bible--was discovered in Egypt. [Wikipedia]

• The Gossip siren Beth Ditto has a very-incredible EP out soon and the cover art is exquisite. [Popjustice]

Civilization Progress Report: Magical plants, not aggressive government employees, will save your life at the airport

There's a chime of truth to Regina Spektor's "20 Years of Snow" here in New York, isn't there? Hopefully you've been consulting the weather reports and dressing appropriately. And in the news this week? You can look at crumbling monarchies as total chaos or as just another part of nature: Things rise, things fall, things take new shapes. A lot like plants that New Yorkers might grow in their apartments during the dead cold of January--to defy the winter in their own quiet way. This week, then, is about emphasizing those things taking new shapes.

• Some rock star botanists have genetically engineered special bomb-detecting plants which turn white instantly upon detecting explosives in the air. [MSNBC]

• HAPPILY EVER AFTERS...AFTER ALL A couple that had been bitterly divorced for over 50 years has remarried since. [Daily Mail]

• 56% of New Yorkers are on board with the idea of you and me getting hitched. [WSJ]

• Chocolatier Snickers has hired Roseanne Barr to be its Super Bowl spokeswoman. [AdAge]

• There is a lot of chaos in Cairo, but learn a little about their culture by consulting the pop music of one of their own divas, Ruby.

Civilization Progress Report: In Joan Rivers we trust

This week's report comes at a serendipitous time: On the heels of Mayor Bloomberg's annual State of the City speech. And while we all have opinions and would love to hoot, holler, hack, and hiss in response to his speech...honestly, why bother? Other people will be doing the boring brainwork for you and as they do that, focus on more pressing matters, like which odd trinkets ladies can use to provocatively obscure their no-no zones, as Amanda Palmer encourages them to do, for the sake of feminism...after the break [except I moved it above the break because I fucking love it - r.].

• Amanda Palmer's new album, Amanda Palmer Goes Down Under is out tomorrow and in celebration you should learn about what "Map of Tasmania" refers to. [BuzzFeed]

Civilization Progress Report: Ophiuchus rising!

He-he-hello to 2011, fair readers! With 2010 shrinking far away in our rearview mirrors, let's look to the future. Let's also think about New Year's Resolutions. One of my resolutions was to get back into the gym, if only to keep in time with Nicole Scherzinger's "Poison" while on the ellipticals (check!) Another resolution? To shelve the thunderstormy doomsday theories of 2010. Y'all know bad things happen in the world, but let's vow to laugh and dance and eat P'zones and high-five despite it all. Deal?

• One of the best reasons you can have in January to finally get that digital converter box for your old TV set is the return of the Amy Poehler-led Parks & Rec next Thursday night. Below, she sings "Poker Face"--first at a gay bar and then at her desk. Good times!

Civilization Progress Report: Happy Ho-lidays!

'Tis the time of year when we get emotional and gassy. We're emotional because we think about the loved ones we defriended over the past twelve months because, frankly, they were jerks and New Yorkers, as a rule, can tolerate only a finite number of fairweather friends. We're gassy because the best presents are edible, have high caloric content and may tend to make us toot well into next Tuesday. But you already broke up with your boyfriend and were planning on spending the holidays with your parents, right? Right. So that shouldn't be an issue! Also, speaking of emotional and gassy, have any of you heard that incredible new Mariah Carey song where she's all like, "I promise that I won't forget the milk and cookies!" ? Isn't it amazing? Before I tell you about the million and one ways our civilization will crumble, let's take another look at Mariah's "Oh Santa!":

Marvelous, right? Good. Because sometime in the near future, the FCC may make it so seeing content like that and anything else on YouTube will be locked up behind a paywall or some other ridiculous additional surcharge. And speaking of bleeding Americans dry, nearly 100 U.S. cities are set to declare bankruptcy next year, too! It should be interesting to see what our Commander-in-Chief does to remedy these tragedies. In another case, his administration has finally undone eras of discrimination in the military with the DADT repeal, but on the other hand, Obamacare is getting flipped the bird--perhaps with good reason? Some are also getting ahead of themselves and wondering if this means a DOMA repeal is on the horizon. Oh and there's also the matter of all those tax cuts, which make our economy look something like a series of sloppily tacked-together paper dolls; Peter Feld broke it down very sensibly.

Meanwhile, if you have just come in first-place in a widely-popular singing competition under the tutelage of Kylie Minogue's younger sister and scored a #1 single because of it, don't be a prat and say things like how Miley Cyrus is a load of rubbish and you are a true artiste. Which segues perfectly into another system that doesn't work! Turns out Skype also broke this week. Which is all to say: Technology truly is the final frontier.

Rohin Guha is a Pushcart Prize-nominated fiction writer whose first collection of short stories, Relief Work is currently available for purchase.

Civilization Progress Report: Could we all just shut up for a minute and laugh?

Is it me or does it seem like people are being bitchier than usual for this season? There's no reason for it. We've now accepted the Recession as the shameful, unsightly limp in America's gait. Now it's time for us to readjust our expectations. This is why The Waitresses performed "Christmas Wrapping" and it's also why the Spice Girls performed "Christmas Wrapping" again: So mankind can put a knish in his whine-happy cake-hole and get into the spirit of the season. But perhaps what mankind really needs to do is get into the spirits...in his liquor closet. Either way, just shut the fuzzuzzle up for a minute and appreciate the fact that New York City's sub-arctic temperature means you can look extra-cute on your way to work. So bundle up and walk with me into this week's news-blizzard!

• The Kardashian family Christmas card or a Models, Inc. promotional poster? [Starcasm]

• They have discovered bacteria munching away at the submerged remains of the Titanic. Wonder if they had Billy Zane's career as an appetizer. Zing! [CNN]

Civilization Progress Report: Men and women with pens will save the entire damn world

Heavens to Zeus! This week has been a delightful blur, hasn't it! Well, it has for me, because--and I feel that after so many weeks of heavy-lifting (what with all the rebuilding of civlization one brick at a time!), I've earned a couple shameless plugs!--I had a lovely little short story about volcanoes and love and death and bodily waste chucked online somewhere! And so in honor of this little feat--and the slightly larger feat of having a collection of my stories out next month--I'd like to dedicate today's report to the incredible men and women who are keeping culture from coming apart at the seams, by writing stories and sharing their art with the world. Because without words, we'd be nothing more than cave dwellers. We'd be nothing more than a pack of wildebeests closely resembling Ke$ha. And wouldn't that be a fright!

• Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist is getting the graphic novel treatment thanks to Derek Ruiz and Daniel Sempere. [GalleyCat]

• HOLY MACKEREL! Neil Gaiman doesn't know who sent him the Home Sushi Kit. [Neil Gaiman]

• In case it wasn't apparent enough by the sprawling, poorly-edited text of the last book, J.K. Rowling will not be writing another Harry Potter book. [The Guardian]

• READY FOR THE WEEKEND!There are a lot of literary events throughout New York City. Very few of them are worth going to. EARSHOT, a Brooklyn-based series curated by Nicole Steinberg, features Eric Nelson, Chris Tarry, and several others tonight. It is absolutely worth going to. [Facebook]

Civilization Progress Report: 'Glee' sucks and sometimes that is all the news that is fit to print!

Bring It On was a fine piece of cinema, wasn't it!

Apols for letting civilization collapse on itself last week, y'all. But y'know what? Sometimes you've gotta let your hair down! you've gotta throw caution to the wind! you've gotta shove some Doritos into your damn maw and pass out because you're too tired to cook a balanced dinner! But this week, it's back to business as usual. And what's the lay of the land this week? That Glee absolutely, positively sucks. Like, vacuum-cleaner sucks. Like, sucks worse than the sky when you've accidentally popped open the emergency doors while your plane's at a cruising altitude. It just sucks. (But that shouldn't really be news, should it!) Then there are other things! But here, follow the trail of breadcrumbs into the large gingerbread house and I promise I won't push you into the oven! (Someone else already did...)

• A man who, while being King of America, managed to drive an entire nation into the ground, has somehow released a book. Some people are doing strange things to the book for the sake of "political activism." [The Guardian]

• Glee sucks. [Queerty]

• UHH-MERICAN SPIRIT Several positively mad individuals have somehow taken offense to Google's Veterans' Day logo. [The AtlanticWire]

Civilization Progress Report: The Ladies We Love Edition

Much of my extended family--relatives who are so distant that they believe that a trip down the aisle via Shaadi.com still remains a strong possibility in my future--use bizarre terms like "ladies' man" and "casanova" when I explain to them who my friends are these days, as it sounds like I'm reading off a laundry list of lady-loves. And sadly! mine is a culture where two members of the opposite sex can't seemingly just pass around a bottle of wine and wail along to Tori Amos' "Leather" without inviting implications of matrimony and suburban dreamscapes. But this week, I thought I would take a break from the usual bit of rubble-sweeping and doom-predicting and celebrate some lovely things that lovely ladies are doing that make this world a much better place for the rest of us to exist in!

• Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says China is not the enemy. She may have a point because it's not as if they've blocked their citizens off from playing Farmville entirely...they've just branded it differently. [NYT]

• And here is her "It Gets Better" contribution. [Feministing]

• Meanwhile, now that Padma Lakshmi has popped out a sprog, she likes to keep fit by running up 70 flights of stairs. [New York Daily News]

• SHE CAME TO HAVE A PARTY, BUT DO NOT OPEN UP THE BACARDI! Not to be outdone, Mariah Carey has taken to rooftops to announce that soon, she will also be popping out a sprog. [Daily Mail]

Civilization Progress Report: Don't pluck the forbidden rose! & other morality tales

Hello, world! How is everyone? Hello? Is this thing on? No? HOW' S THAT THEN? TOO LOUD? (Okay, Rod, I'll stop.) Anyway follow me down into this week's rabbit hole of kaleidoscopic queerent events! And what a kaleidoscopic week it was. 'Twas the week when we learned that should we wear a color popularized by such foods as aubergines and plums, we could cancel out the altogether-ooky feelings that the Dementors of our youth wrought on us. It was also the week when our fearless leader made us groan again and so...we sought reprieve in foreign rip-offs of animated Disney classics dating back to last century. Grab your CPR dummies and let's get crackin'!

• THE SEX TRADE The domain Sex.com has sold for $13 million. [BBC]

• The Obama Administration has decided a good thing to do would be to block the repeal of DADT. [HuffPo]

• Or not! DADT confusion mounts! [NYT]

Civilization Progress Report: Imagine there's a world where Harry Potter could cast a Patronus to deflect the come-ons of a Bushwick creeper

The most important questions in life may never have answers. Questions like, "Did 30 Rock jump the shark last night by airing a live episode or did they jump the shark when Oprah turned up that one time?" and "How devastating is it that this week, Twitter turned the plight and (fortunate!) rescue of 33 Chilean miners into a spectator sport?" and "Would Harry Potter do shots with Voldemort if they crossed paths at Bushwick's Gotham City Lounge?" and "Why did Kylie Minogue's fan-fucking-tastic single "Get Outta My Way" not only miss the UK Top 10 in its first week, but tank 16 spots in its second, and then out of the Top 40 in its third?" Unlike someone who has whizzed away hundreds of thousands of dollars on a very-useful journalism degree at Columbia, I don't have the answers. So, instead, please help yourself to the following links. Wash down with seltzer water and don't forget to burp!

• What are the odds that if they forget their wands and spellbooks while wandering to a loft party off Bushwick Avenue, Harry Potter, Hermoine Granger, and Ron Weasley might get shived for looking like hipster scum? [BuzzFeed]

• Landfills will now be mined for fuel and recyclables. This makes Staten Island a veritable gold mine. [TreeHugger]

• Steve Jobs is giving all the rescued Chilean miners iPods. [Hollywood Reporter]

Civilization Progress Report: Morbidly obese MTA asks us to tighten our belts some more, orders extra buffalo wings

Hello! It's Friday! And do you smell that! It's the sweat, grime, gasoline, and left-over hamburger chunks of a week, and a world that plans to put you through the grinder again come next Monday! But kick off your orthopedic sneakers and peel off your hole-riddled socks. It's the weekend--but not before peeking into what's making everyone else's lives much worse than yours this week. Yes, it's CPR time and we're all barely floating anymore! Wheeee!

• At times, I am grateful I am no longer at the mercy of a withered media outlet for my living--late paychecks and lack of professionalism notwithstanding, I'd mostly be concerned about developing Toasted Skin Syndrome from having to work on a laptop at all hours of the day--and not having the health insurance to seek out proper treatment. [The Atlantic]

• But then again, no longer being the mercy of said withered media outlet also means missing out on the small joys of life, like speculating in print who might have been John Lennon's alleged boyfriend. [MSNBC]

Civilization Progress Report: Hey, remember that time when America drank too much haterade?

"I hate the world today," opines duchess of late '90s alternative rock Meredith Brooks in her magnum opus, "Bitch." And after this week, I can't help but agree. And while you could argue, "Oh, Rohin, when don't you think that?" I counter that this week, especially, we saw human beings at their worst. But today is Friday and I can't very well let you loose to the weekend with horrible feelings. In that way, this week's CPR is like a black-and-white cookie: One part dark, one part light, and all parts delicious.

• Rest in peace, Tyler Clementi. [The Guardian]

• Don't fail us now, legal system. [New Jersey Star-Ledger]

• And finally, filling in the blanks of this tragedy. [NYT]