Note: This post is part of NYC BLOGGERS DO THE HOLIDAYS, a compendium of holiday stuff for the city dweller:
- A Child Grows Where to See Santa in New York City and Brooklyn
- Eater's Digest 10 "Warm-You-To-the Bone" Holiday Eats in NYC
- Give and Get NYC Give and Get for the Holidays
- 'the improvised life' Design (or Hack) Your Own Holiday E-Cards
- Manhattan User's Guide The Gift Guide: 21 Over $21
- Markets of New York Festive Food at New York's Holiday Markets
- Mommy Poppins 11 Experience Gifts for NYC Kids
- NY Barfly Holiday Cocktails, And We Ain’t Talkin' Egg Nog
- offManhattan The Anti-Holiday Travel Guide: 5 Quick Getaways from NYC
- the skint 11 free and cheap non-holiday things to do this holiday season
- Patell and Waterman's History of New York Christmas with Andy Warhol
- Walking Off the Big Apple A Mortal's Guide to the Angels of New York City
- We Heart Astoria The Best Places To Shop Local - WHA Holiday Gift Guide
So, like, this past weekend on Thanksgiving night, it was just shy of four o'clock in the morning, and this compulsion to head home hit me. On went the coat and hat and goodbyes given to the guys and ladies assembled in the lovely Chelsea home which served as the post-dinner meeting spot. Stepping outside though, there was the invigoration of fresh air (and whatever), so a walk was taken. Somehow my location shifted to Fifth Avenue, walking north in the Flatiron, and suddenly there they were, shoppers getting "special discounts" at Baby Gap at, like, four in the freaking morning. A long pause later and my eyes perused the shoppers who, well, were just in a different state of mind than me. A moment of consideration happened, but the store was not entered, because, yeah, these people and me didn't need to see each other.
Something about the holidays, brings drugs to the fore. Maybe it's the festivity or the twinkling lights or the long nights or the bonus checks, but yeah, drugs are everywhere. You can't just pair them randomly though. Otherwise you'll be outside a Baby Gap feeling perky, yet horny, and that's creepy. With that in mind, please consider the following pairings, all of which totally work!
All coked up and up late at night? Head out to Astoria or Bay Ridge and take in all the twinkling lights of the lawn displays that fill the lawns of these neighborhoods. They really go all out. And you can go on Grindr or Scruff or Radar or whatever and make a new friend!
Popping a Xannie and sitting on those red steps in Times Square is a great place to go to write out Christmas cards. You get the energy from the tourists milling about, but you don't get annoyed with them! Since cards tend to go out to your out of town people, they'll enjoy that you are in Times Square. PROS ONLY: Step up to a manly pill and pop an aprolazam and go to Queens Mall or Paramus orWoodbury Commons and just sort of mill around, picking up holiday merchandise and considering it briefly before dropping it to the floor. Bonus round? Say hello to the elderly!
Spark up a holiday bud and head uptown a little to the Origami Christmas Tree at AMNH and then visit the planetarium or wander the exhibits. Go even further uptown and go full on boho, making candles of your own design at the Dyckman Farmhouse! From there a holiday visit to the ever-cruisy Cloisters and Fort Tryon Park.
The holidays can't be fully self-indulgent, so dig into your closet or buy new a coat for the city's GLBT homeless youth. (Seriously, the city just slashed their funding.) Anyway, bring that coat to Excelsior in Brooklyn this Saturday for the annual LGBTQI Homeless Youth Coat and Clothing Drive. Get nice and toasty drunk and then gather your funnest buds and sing out carols in Park Slope. (The event ends early and those Slopers will be charmed.)
Party like it's 1999 and take a hit of ecstacy. When you're starting to roll head out and give a visit to Santa Claus. No, not the commercial version at Macy's or Bloomingdales or ABC Carpet and Home. Go to the REAL Santa in Central Park's Belvedere Castle. Just don't ask him to suck your finger. You can head down to the Ramble for an afterparty.
Mushrooms, hooray! Don't go overboard and you can enjoy a hilarious trip to F.A.O. Schwartz. Follow it up with a trip to view Simon Doonan's latest window creations at Barneys. (This year's theme is food?!) Then giggle your way up Madison stopping by Hermes, Ralph Lauren and oddly-named shops that only trophy wives know, arriving at the Met where you can buy all your friendsBaldessari-themed gifts, like the "Wrong!" eraser!
Again, moderation is key here, so like, just one hit of acid, and then go to the best windows in the city at Bergdorf Goodman. Then decide you are on a secret mission and go stealthily down to the Lord & Taylor (which are possibly better than Bergdorf's while tripping). Finally, PULL IT TOGETHER and go full force to Bryant Park for ice skating (yes, really) at "CitiPond" (being sure to wonder aloud why Citibank is doing this and not protecting your money). Then put on your own Skating with the Stars performance of Swan Lake.