This is how much I love all of you--all six or seven, perhaps eight--who read this. For about 83 minutes last night, I experienced some serious internet connectivity issue, which I tried to resolve by trying to (a) smack the modem against my parquet in hopes of forcing it to cooperate, (b) cuss at it in order to berate it into submission, (c) yank out several cords and plug them back in, and of course (d) feverishly click the RENEW DHCP LEASE button in my System Preferences panel. But as with most computer-related issues, this issue has kind of fixed itself. So you, dear reader, should regard this overlong palaver about my connectivity woes as an excellent segue into a number of very loud proclamations hipster egghead Steve Jobs made this week regarding technology that continues not to work as it should, but is let loose on the public, anyway. Presenting your world this week: A tangled mess of computer and telephone cords and short-circuiting motherboards!
• AMERICAN MIDOL Because American Idol is committed to excellence in pop music, they may be hiring acclaimed "Louboutins" warbler Jennifer Lopez to fill in as a new judge. [OK!]
• Wheat crisis in Russia! [WSJ]
• Although that probably isn't tragic enough to force the good people of Michigan to fear the sudden uptick of jobs in the auto sector. [Detroit Free Press]
• Meanwhile, Queerty asks why do gay men want to be fit and gay men ask why does Queerty continue to lump an entire subset of mankind into one sloppy archetype and what exactly do pierced nipples have to do with a shoddy trend piece trying to equate narcissism with Darwinism. [Queerty]
• Meanwhile, here is a photograph of a young Ian McKellen that I probably should've led with--but everyone else did and all of you well knowl about my penchant for bucking the trends. But, mmhmmm! [BuzzFeed]
• Kylie Minogue and Rufus Wainwright sang a number of lovely little songs together recently at the Hamptons Watermill Center. Here is their cover of "Hallelujah." [YouTube]
• So, Apple heralded the arrival of iTunes 10 and some dinky new social network that only allows users to pick three favorite genres and identify only those songs in their library as favorites that the iTunes store has available domestically. Snoozefest! More problematic? Their Genius is unable to recommend an entire playlist of songs as brilliant as the Scissor Sisters' "Any Which Way." [Mashable]
• So the best part of this Hurricane Earl hysteria? That when it dies down, it'll give us a (vaguely relevant) reason to crack out this exquisite Dixie Chicks gem. The video for which stars Jane Krakowski. Exclamations! [YouTube]
• UNFRIENDSHIPS Sometimes you've just got to pull the trigger and click REMOVE FRIEND. [CNN]
• Well, I'm not terribly sure what y'all folks are up to Labor Day Weekend, but I do have one plea for you. Moving forward, can we all agree to never utter the phrase, "Check it out," when asking loved ones and colleagues to take a further look at anything that is not a video or a book from a library? I, and the English language, will thank you.
Mister Rohin Guha has written for scores of places. Once a week he'll be checking in on civilization and giving us a progress report.